Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Phantom/ Love Never Dies Phan-Fiction

The clock struck nine.
 Meg entered the room in her dressing gown tied over her latest costume.  In the doorway, she halted.  
There he stood, looking out over the blaring,swirling lights and swarming crowd.  Though his eyes wandered distractedly across the skyline, she knew his mind was elsewhere.  
Not wishing  to disturb him, she stole quietly to the piano and laid down the letter her mother had penned, demanding that he paid what was owed them.  Meg herself had no interest in the money  - her only desire was a spark of attention from the debtor.  Casting a glance his way and thinking how lonely he looked, she started toward the door.
His ears were sharper than her soft footsteps.
“Good evening, Miss Giry.” he said vaguely, not turning around.  
“Evening.”  she replied rather nervously.
“Have another message from Madame?”
She felt the accusation in his tone and lowered her gaze to the ornate Persian carpet.  “It’s on the piano.”
He let out a hmm and continued to stare out the window.
She clasped her hands and looked about uncertainly.  Clearing her throat, she ventured, “You know, I don’t always agree with her.”
His visible eyebrow rose and his head turned ever so slightly.  “No?  You bow to her every whim, so it seems to me.”
Meg bit her lip.  “You don’t know what it’s like.  It’s not as if I wanted to but...well, you try refusing her.”
He scoffed and placed his hand on the windowpane.  “Oh believe me, I have.”
Her arms crossed around her waist, she tried to distract herself with the room.  On the music stand stood several sheets of an incomplete score.  Her attention was immediately drawn to it.  “You’ve been composing again.”
She sensed him turn behind her, but kept gazing at the pages, the melody registering in her mind.  She hummed the first few bars.  It was difficult with her sore throat and warbling tone - which she hated - but the orchestration was already swelling in her head, and she knew this was the kind of work he lived for.  She smiled.
“It’s beautiful.”
“It’s none of your concern.” he broke in sternly, snatching it from her sight and shoving it into a drawer.  
Meg was mystified.  “Then whose concern is it?  Is it for an operetta?  Have you been commissioned by someone?  Hammerstein?  It’s Hammerstein, isn’t it?  Oh, Erik!”
“Must you be so meddlesome?” he exclaimed, exasperated.   He looked at her, his eyes flashing.  She flinched at the sight of the mask, at what she knew was behind it.
“I’m sorry…” she said, suddenly afraid.  She had seen his temper surge before and wanted nothing of it.  “I was only hoping...you might play a bit for me.”
Erik let out a heavy breath.  “Not that.  How about that new piece for the show?”
Meg knew the disappointment showed in her face, but she didn’t care.  
“Well...alright.”
He brushed past her to the piano and struck up the lively vaudeville tune.
"Welcome, each and everyone
to our festival of fun,
something notable and new..." Meg sang the song, putting on her best showgirl airs.  She could easily read the disgust in his expression, despite the mask, and stopped singing three lines in.
His fingers came to a halt on the keys as he looked up at her questioningly.
Meg put her hand to her face.  “I’m sorry...I guess once you sing a song so many times, it just…”
“Loses its shine?” he said, his mouth twitching a bit.
Meg couldn’t help the tears that welled up as she nodded, trying to look flippant and failing entirely.  Not wishing to upset him, she turned aside.  He stood up behind her.
“What is it, Meg?”
His tone was awkward, as if he was suddenly as self-conscious as she was.  She sniffed and brushed the tears away.
“Oh nothing.  I just…”
No.  She wouldn’t finish.  It would only get her into trouble.  She stared at the ceiling, willing every thought she was having to scurry back into the shadows of her head where they belonged.  
“...Just...what?” he sounded confused, maybe even concerned, which was new.
Should she tell him?  What would Mother say?  Who care what Mother would say.  But what would he say?  
It was coming out of her mouth before she gave it permission.
“I just wish that for once I could sing something...something beautiful.”  
And then all at once
“You know?  Not that I mind singing all the happy tunes.  I like to see people smile and laugh and elbow each other.  They all seem to like me well enough for it, and I know I should be grateful and I’m not saying that I think you owe me anything because I don’t.  Like I said, I don’t agree with my mother on everything.  Not much, as a matter of fact.  I mostly despise her, you know.  But it’s just sort of a silly dream of mine.  I mean, I always used to watch…”  she caught herself.  “...I always used to watch from the wings and I’d always feel so moved and this sort of sad happy feeling I couldn’t explain would happen and...well, I’d always kind of hoped to sing something that could make people feel that way.  Silly, really.  I’m sorry I brought it up.”
There was no response from Erik.  She wondered if he was angry.  What if he was?  She must apologize.
“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean that I don’t like it.  I’ll work hard, I promise, and I won’t complain again…”
He held up his hand, and her mouth slowly closed as she watched his cross to the desk and pull the music from the drawer.  “You’re right.  I haven’t given you chance enough to see what you can really do.”
Meg felt her heart beating faster.  “You mean it?  You really mean it?”
He set the music lovingly on the stand and began to play, motioning her to come closer.  She did so timidly.
At first, she sang almost inaudibly, not wanting to disappoint him.  As the song progressed, however, she felt the music stir within her, and the notes came free and pure and sweet, despite her sore throat and the fact that her hands were shaking terribly.  She was sorry when the notes came to an end, but rapture flowed in her veins.
“Oh, Erik...it’s...it’s just like something Christine would sing…”
And she knew very quickly what she had just said was more true than she had thought.  The immediate pain in his eyes told all.
“You wrote this for her...didn’t you?”
He turned away, taking the music and putting it back in the drawer.  
Meg wondered for a moment what to do.
Then she saw a single tear run down his cheek and her heart flung itself toward him.  She stole up beside him and placed a hand on his arm.  He met her gaze tentatively and she smiled for him.
“I miss her too.” she said softly.  

More tears cascaded down his face, and she took the opportunity to wipe them away.  He stared at her, as if seeing her for the first time.  She said nothing more, but wrapped her arms around him.  He slowly did the same and, realizing that for some strange reason she truly cared, he held her close until the clock struck ten.

Monday, May 22, 2017

How To Find The One You're Meant To Be With (A Poem)

Run.
Run as fast as you can, and don’t stop for anything except what takes your breath away.
Run from anything that seeks to hold you back or manipulate you.
Life is short
And your dreams seem so far away
Don’t waste a second waiting around for someone to catch up with you
And don’t you dare go back.
Run.
Go find what makes you feel alive.
Go find what makes you feel excited and a tiny bit scared about the next
Five, ten, twenty, eighty
Years you may have on this planet.
This world is big, and you should feel scared – well, excited AND scared.
You, Little Red, have a purpose for being on this path. 
Don’t stop for just any old wolf who compliments you and bids you good day.
Run, Little Red, Run!

And don’t run looking for love – it can’t be found by looking for it.
Take the love you have and give it away.
And it’s okay if the someone you give it to is you.
So what if you eat all the donuts before you get to Granny’s?  You and Granny can make more.
And anyway, a few extra calories never hurt anyone.
Just run.
You’ll be burning fat and feeling lighter.  Your head will clear, and things will look brighter.
You will find that the things you worried over don’t matter so much anymore.

And if you find yourself circling through old familiar places, don’t worry that you’re going in circles.
We all need places to call home.
But keep running. 
Run for yourself.
Run for your life.
Run for your dreams and the things that make you you – the things that make you beautiful.

And if, along the way, you notice someone keeping stride with you,
Don’t be afraid to say Hello.

Don’t worry about tomorrow, my dear.
Just

Run.



Until next time,
Rosie Jane

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Re-Opening

Once upon two or three years ago, I started a blog to keep myself entertained in the yawning hours I had between activities for the summer.  It turned into a quiet little side project of mine, and then eventually those yawning hours were startled into rigid, hectic schedules that have kept me away from my quiet little corner of my writing garden.  

But at long last I have a honeycomb of sweet time – dripping with minutes of golden pure reflection.  And though there are some weeds and while my gardening tools have grown a bit rusty, the ground is still fertile and my secret garden is ready to be cared for once again.
         
For any of my old readers, you may notice that many of my old posts are no longer up to be read.  That is because I have simply come to a new place in my life and some thoughts are better kept to one’s self and shared with a few trusted friends rather than the random whole of the Interwebs.  So forgive me if you enjoyed a particular arrangement of words.  Some things are better to simply be remembered vaguely.
            
Business aside, I’d like to welcome you all to join me in my somewhat messy patch of life as I haul away some of the weeds and dead leaves that have accumulated in the past couple of years.  I don’t yet know what I’m going to plant, or what it’s all going to look like yet.  I’ve a vague idea of what I’d like to plant.  It’s all a matter of what the Master Gardener puts into my hands.  

Whatever it ends up becoming, I’ve a fond suspicion that it will be something exquisitely beautiful.

                  

                                                    Until next time,

                                                                             Rosie Jane 

Monday, July 13, 2015

What Am I Afraid Of?



****This is one of my old posts that I am leaving up.  It has earned its place on the Interwebs.


I am afraid I have lost myself.  I have lost the part of me that was confident without that one guy.  I have lost the part of me that had her own thoughts and opinions, knew why, and spoke them openly.  I have lost my freedom to wonder, my freedom to show that I was excited, and in its place I have acquired a suffocating desire to not be noticed.  At least, not to be pointed out and criticized.
          I have sold my soul to my own fear.  Fear that just being myself never was and never will be good enough.  Fear that just being myself will get me into trouble.  Fear that it will get people hurt – get more people hurt.  Because I hurt people.  I hurt them by trying to help them – by being just myself and trusting my instincts.
          I’ve spent the last year running away from my instincts; thinking they were dangerous, believing they were not to be trusted.  I convinced myself that any desire I had was a wicked, foolish, naïve one.  I ought to be more practical – more logical.  Surely anything I wanted for anything other than a logical reason had to be for a silly, selfish reason that would eventually end up causing more damage than I could control.
          I was wrong.  I have allowed fear to paralyze me for too long.  I’ve allowed too much cynicism into my heart and it has started to take root.  My secret garden has grown a lot of weeds, to the point that pulling them up is going to be painful.
          There’s a fine line between distancing yourself and running away.  I’ve been running – keeping my head down to avoid getting caught in the crossfire.  I’ve been obsessing over the past, things totally out of my control.  I’ve pushed people away in an attempt to make myself more available for history to repeat itself.
          Maybe I seem like I’m talking in riddles.  The answer to the riddle is this –
          I’ve decided that I’m not going to let my fear get the better of me anymore.  I may not be able to banish the fear on my own, but with God’s help I can rise above it.  I am going to get my courage back.  I am going to trust my instincts.  I’m going to find that brave girl I was a year ago.
          I used to think that going back to the person you used to be was always a bad thing.  I mean, there are plenty of versions of myself that I never want to see again.  But that girl…the girl who cared more about encouraging others than she cared about her own comfort…the girl who was vulnerable and funny and clever without trying to manipulate anything…that girl is worth going back for.  
          And once I do find her, I’m going to move forward.  I’m going to walk away from this pit of anxiety and self-pity I’ve been wallowing in for 11 months, and find something other than romance and myself to live for.
                  
                             With much love,
                                      Until next time,

                                                          Rosie Jane

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Here We Go


****This is one of my old posts that I am leaving up.  It has earned its place on the Interwebs

I just finished looking at my calendar for the next three months.  My stomach is in knots.
          
        You know that feeling you get right as you’re getting onto a roller coaster?  You get butterflies in your stomach and you wonder what in the world you’ve gotten yourself into?  It’s an intoxicating mix of fear and excitement.  You can’t wait for the thrill of the drops, but there’s a big hill to climb before you get there.
         
        That’s how I feel right about now.  Like I’ve been standing in line forever, and now it’s finally my turn to go on the ride of my life.  I’m suddenly not entirely sure how I feel about it.  But there’s no going back now.  Everything has been working up to this, and this is working up to something else. There’s nowhere to go but forwards.
         
      I am so ready, and I am so not ready.  I love it.  I know it’s going to be weird after this.  Nothing is ever going to be the same. 
          
     Every summer is like this in a way.  I go on some kind of adventure, and at the end, when I come back home, I’m changed.  Dramatically.
          
        Except that this time, I’m not just going home after the adventures I have.  Summer is just the approach trail.  The warm-up.  The kiddie ride before taking on the mammoth with eight twists and two loop-the-loops – all of which you also do going backwards, because YOLO. 
        
       Long story short, I’m about to do the craziest thing a kid with thrill issues could ever do.  I’m going to grow up.  And I have no idea what I’m in for.  I only know that I’d better hang on to my hat.  Or better yet, just throw my hands up in the air and let inertia do its thing. 
         

                                             Until next time,

                                                                  Rosie Jane

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Simplicity


 ****This is one of my old posts that I am leaving up.  It has earned its place on the Interwebs             


 Simple pleasures mean the most to me.  Driving down a country highway just as the leaves and air are turning.  Breathing in the smell of wood fires.  Cuddling in my room in my favorite yellow sweater with the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack playing.  Hayrides and dressing-up frolicks. Thick, rich literature dripping with beautiful imagery and heartfelt dialogue, the pages worn and full of that old book smell…
          I love fall.  I love it like an old friend, for that is what it is to me.  It comes after a long and hot summer, just as I am beginning to fear nothing will ever be the same, there it is.  It feels like a hug from behind, a kiss on the cheek, a song that floats to you on the wind that makes you suddenly sink back into the world and begin to see everything in a sunnier, more romantic, more meaningful light, and you’re not sure whether to smile or cry, so you do both.
          There is a sense of stability about autumn, and yet every year brings new adventures, new lessons, creates new memories.  It is predictable in its unpredictability. 
          I can sing in the fall.  I can be quiet.  I don’t usually talk much unless it’s to be reflective.  I might write.  I might draw.  I will surely dance, but not for anyone else.  The things I do in autumn are purely to revive myself, to reawaken that bit of magic that July and August have worn away. 
          Magic to me will always smell like a pile of leaves.  Wonder will be the birds flying south.  Joy will be the taste of a crunchy apple that’s just red enough not to be considered yellow.  And love…love will be skipping down the path hand in hand with my best friend. 
          Because simple pleasures mean the most to me. 

                                                       
                                       Until next time,
                                                           Rosie Jane

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Enough


****This is one of my old posts that I am leaving up.  It has earned its place on the Interwebs.

{You are enough.  You are so enough.  It is unbelievable how enough you are.   – Sierra Boggess}


          How many of you, by show of hands, would say that you like yourself?  I mean everything about yourself?  You think that right now, in this moment, you are completely okay?

          How many of you have someone in your mind that you think of as the perfect person – the person you wish you could be? 
 “If only I had her hair…"
"his confidence…:
"their smarts…"
"her talent…"
"...then people would like me.”

          Can I tell you something? 

          I like you.

          I do.  I like you.  You specifically.  Why?  Because you are just like that one person you admire?  Because you are infallible and always do the right thing?  Because you look just like the girls in the movies, and always have the right words to say?

          How boring would that be?

          I like you because you are you.  You are unique.  You are special.  You are beautiful in every way possible, no matter what you may think when you look in the all-assessing mirror.

          And here’s a little something to think about – you get a new chance to be your best self every single day.  As my good imaginary friend Anne of Green Gables put it, “Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it.”           Every morning, every hour, every minute is a new chance.  Don’t dwell on the past.  Don’t worry about the future.  Be who you are right now.

          Can I let you in on a big secret?

          I don’t always like myself either.  I’ll say something awkward and then for days afterward I’ll beat myself up about it.  There are many days I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. 

          “Oh my word, did I really say that?  Come on, Rosie.  You can do better.”

          “Why did I have to suck my thumb for so long as a kid?  Now my teeth are crooked.  Ew…”

          “I can’t believe I was so rude to that person.”

          “What is wrong with me?”

          It was especially bad in middle school.  I guess that’s the time everyone gets it.  It’s the time you start to notice other people, and notice that they notice you.  You want to be noticed but you don’t want to stick out and sometimes you just want to be invisible unless you really want to be seen….

          It’s confusing.

          Life is that way.  And for that very reason we fear it.  We fear living to our full potential, because what if we fail at the exact moment everyone is looking at us?

          When that happens, we must remind ourselves that no one is perfect.  We must remember that life goes on. 
        
          So look in that mirror, and repeat after me:

          You are enough.  You are so enough.  It is unbelievable how enough you are.


                                      Rosie


From Lamentations 3

21 Yet this I call to mind     and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,     for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning;     great is your faithfulness.